The search…..

In my previous post “The Witness speaks”, I had spoken of  ‘change’ and ‘experience’. Somehow, ‘change’ has again been occupying my mind for the past few days. It appears every now and then, inviting me to see it for what it really is. Much like the girl who knows, and lures the man she is interested in, into exploration. And like the man, I too don’t seem to be able to resist temptation. I go. I explore.
I see what she has done, and what she is still doing. And I realise she will continue to do what she is doing.
There was once a time when human civilisations had enough for themselves. People lived together. They lead a life that was in harmony with nature. Culture and art flourished. Women were equals with men. The aim and purpose of life was to experience  the highest intelligence that ever existed and the people were aware of this.
 But then, all of this changed, to what we are now – the polar opposite.
No matter how much we earn for ourselves and our families, nothing is ever enough for us now.
Community living is only a slogan that real estate giants use to sell their houses these days. Each individual today is an isolated island. We do everything to keep ourselves away from nature and/or ourselves. Very few people have the time or money or passion to promote art and culture. A woman does not get paid the same as a man for equal amount of work done by them. The purpose and aim for most people is money, power and fame.
No. None of this changed over a single night. It was a consistent, step by step process that took centuries for us to become what we are today.
Change – She certainly knows which part of the landscape she must pave for the river to flow.
What I was a decade back, I no longer am now. The mother I knew when I was 5 was certainly not the mother my brother knew when he was 5.
Change – She leaves her impression on everything – living and non living. Every single thing. Nothing can escape her.
So, I wondered. In that case, why do i get so carried away by the sorry state of affairs of society? It is going to change too, is it not?
Indeed it will. But remember Newton’s law of motion? Every object shall continue to remain in its state of motion or rest, until an external force acts upon it to change its present state of motion or rest.
Change needs an external force. In other words, an instrument. An instrument to change what is here right now.
So, is that what I am? An instrument?
what about Gandhi then? Is he nothing more than an instrument? And Osama bin laden? Is he nothing less than an instrument?
Not just me or them. all of us. Every single one of us. We are all instruments.
It was at this point that I realised that I now have more questions to answer than ever before.
If I am just an instrument for change, then is all that I had believed to be me, not really me? I have my opinion and convictions. I always thought they defined me. My actions have been based upon my convictions. I thought I was going to bring change. But now, it looks like I am just someone change is using for her master plan.
I am merely playing a role in the drama that she directs.
So, I am just an instrument? Nothing else? Fine. Accepted.
Yet, why do I feel such strong emotions when i hear or see something?  Why does this instrument feel? shouldn’t I just stop with performing my duty? I am an instrument after all. I must only do what I am here to do. Why do I feel?
Is that how change motivates me to perform my duty? With my emotion? Does she use my emotion to have her presence felt by all that I come in contact with?
I understand change causes experience. Maybe they are an eternal couple. But if change brings about experience, who is it that feels the experience? The universe? God? The force? But I belong to this universe too. Does that mean it is I who feels the experience?
Hmmmm. That seems logical. So, this means I feel, to bring change and the change that thus happens causes an experience, which i again get to feel. This is true for everything and everybody, is it not?
So, this is a cycle? It certainly seems to be a cycle. But when would this cycle stop? If it did stop, what is it that will make it stop? To this and a lot many other questions, I do not have the answer. I am searching.
I feel like the child who knows nothing of the new world she has stepped into and all she wants is to know. I wonder if a grown up can give me the answers. A grown up who would parent me and make me aware of what is what. A grown up who knows I am full of questions, yet wouldn’t be annoyed, but simply helps me see my answers with an adoring smile.
Will I find such a grown up? Or will my years of growing up be like that of the snake that has just emerged from its egg, Completely on its own in the wild?
That is something only the universe holds the answer to.
DISCLAIMER : I am not responsible if you read this, went mad and got admitted to an asylum.


There are lots of things that I get to see in the world I live in, that angers and saddens me. Maybe it’s because I live in a third world nation. on the roads, in the bus, the space near the water tanker that brings water every week, the poll booths, schools, colleges, RTO office, banks, all the way upto the honorable PMO and all the way down to the individual himself. There is chaos everywhere. Sometimes the chaos is visible. But most of the time, it is simply there all around you and within you, like an unknown figure that lurks in the dark. You don’t see it. You only feel it and you know it’s upto no good. It creeps you out and you want to cry for help.
Chaos. There are people who spend 500 crores on a marriage. And there are people who kill themselves since they have no means for the next meal. There are women who are fortunate enough to go all the way to the U.S to pursue their masters and there are women who had to drop out of school because they were women. Women who have the freedom to practise their free will and marry a man of their choice and women who get gang-raped and killed for wanting to marry a man of their choice. Children who excel in all spheres of academy and children who ponder over why they must. Children who get to treat their friends to a good lunch in a nice restaurant and children who clean tables at the same restaurant. The educated elite of the society that talks equality in public and yet assigns a separate plate, for the domestic helper in the house, to eat from. A society that says casteism must be abolished in the country and yet each household discourages inter caste marriages and supports their children in their views of reservation, whatever it may be.
A nation that has been slashed into a million fragments in the name of caste, religion, language and state and yet brags of “unity in diversity” in its text books. A people who take pride in belonging to their states to the extent that they make fun of and look down upon other states and yet claim they are proud to be an Indian when in reality they don’t even bother to educate themselves about India. A people for whom this democracy was meant and yet not a single soul has the maturity or responsibility to live or deal in a democracy. They don’t even try to inculcate the spirit of democracy.

Governments come. governments go. Just as the people come and go. Not one of them has bothered to give the people what they truly deserve – hope and faith without conditions.

But when I question all of this, they brand me to be a fanatic, a communist, a disrupter of peace and harmony.

They dont understand that the devil of chaos that they have provoked, is disturbing my sleep. I cant sleep. that’s why I asked the devil to stop. But the devil says that I am the devil, to shut me up.

Chaos. When will the noise stop?