The search…..

In my previous post “The Witness speaks”, I had spoken of  ‘change’ and ‘experience’. Somehow, ‘change’ has again been occupying my mind for the past few days. It appears every now and then, inviting me to see it for what it really is. Much like the girl who knows, and lures the man she is interested in, into exploration. And like the man, I too don’t seem to be able to resist temptation. I go. I explore.
I see what she has done, and what she is still doing. And I realise she will continue to do what she is doing.
There was once a time when human civilisations had enough for themselves. People lived together. They lead a life that was in harmony with nature. Culture and art flourished. Women were equals with men. The aim and purpose of life was to experience  the highest intelligence that ever existed and the people were aware of this.
 But then, all of this changed, to what we are now – the polar opposite.
No matter how much we earn for ourselves and our families, nothing is ever enough for us now.
Community living is only a slogan that real estate giants use to sell their houses these days. Each individual today is an isolated island. We do everything to keep ourselves away from nature and/or ourselves. Very few people have the time or money or passion to promote art and culture. A woman does not get paid the same as a man for equal amount of work done by them. The purpose and aim for most people is money, power and fame.
No. None of this changed over a single night. It was a consistent, step by step process that took centuries for us to become what we are today.
Change – She certainly knows which part of the landscape she must pave for the river to flow.
What I was a decade back, I no longer am now. The mother I knew when I was 5 was certainly not the mother my brother knew when he was 5.
Change – She leaves her impression on everything – living and non living. Every single thing. Nothing can escape her.
So, I wondered. In that case, why do i get so carried away by the sorry state of affairs of society? It is going to change too, is it not?
Indeed it will. But remember Newton’s law of motion? Every object shall continue to remain in its state of motion or rest, until an external force acts upon it to change its present state of motion or rest.
Change needs an external force. In other words, an instrument. An instrument to change what is here right now.
So, is that what I am? An instrument?
what about Gandhi then? Is he nothing more than an instrument? And Osama bin laden? Is he nothing less than an instrument?
Not just me or them. all of us. Every single one of us. We are all instruments.
It was at this point that I realised that I now have more questions to answer than ever before.
If I am just an instrument for change, then is all that I had believed to be me, not really me? I have my opinion and convictions. I always thought they defined me. My actions have been based upon my convictions. I thought I was going to bring change. But now, it looks like I am just someone change is using for her master plan.
I am merely playing a role in the drama that she directs.
So, I am just an instrument? Nothing else? Fine. Accepted.
Yet, why do I feel such strong emotions when i hear or see something?  Why does this instrument feel? shouldn’t I just stop with performing my duty? I am an instrument after all. I must only do what I am here to do. Why do I feel?
Is that how change motivates me to perform my duty? With my emotion? Does she use my emotion to have her presence felt by all that I come in contact with?
I understand change causes experience. Maybe they are an eternal couple. But if change brings about experience, who is it that feels the experience? The universe? God? The force? But I belong to this universe too. Does that mean it is I who feels the experience?
Hmmmm. That seems logical. So, this means I feel, to bring change and the change that thus happens causes an experience, which i again get to feel. This is true for everything and everybody, is it not?
So, this is a cycle? It certainly seems to be a cycle. But when would this cycle stop? If it did stop, what is it that will make it stop? To this and a lot many other questions, I do not have the answer. I am searching.
I feel like the child who knows nothing of the new world she has stepped into and all she wants is to know. I wonder if a grown up can give me the answers. A grown up who would parent me and make me aware of what is what. A grown up who knows I am full of questions, yet wouldn’t be annoyed, but simply helps me see my answers with an adoring smile.
Will I find such a grown up? Or will my years of growing up be like that of the snake that has just emerged from its egg, Completely on its own in the wild?
That is something only the universe holds the answer to.
DISCLAIMER : I am not responsible if you read this, went mad and got admitted to an asylum.


3 thoughts on “The search…..

  1. Hey there. =)Just want to let you know that you are not the only person who has walked down this path before.I, for one, have gone down that path before.I can see that you are a thinker, and you have reached a stage in your life when you now facing an internal dilemma that all thinkers would face in their process of growing up. You have begun to embrace your identity as a part of the world that both of us are a part of, and are currently trying to find your place in it… but at the same time you are also struggling to accept the world as it is, rejecting and questioning the injustice, chaos and the brokenness you see happening around you.It is very true that we are currently living in a very broken world. We see children being abused, neglected and deprived of love in their childhoods growing up into replicas of their parents – keeping the vicious cycle spinning as the pain, hatred and bitterness in their hearts being passed on from one to another.That's how criminals, murderers, rapists, and every other person whom the society rejects and alienate came about. That's also how people who cheat their wives, exploit the weak, taking advantage of others for their own benefits and so on became who they are today.People have became selfish. They want more for themselves without losing out. In the end, everyone just shut themselves into the comforts and the security of their own private worlds to a point that they have forgot how to love and give.Just like you, these are the things that I too saw in my own life… and I questioned every single one of them….and I have also ended at the same crossroad every time and asked myself this same question: "Now what?"What am I going to do about all this? Go on with my life as if nothing has happened? Numb away my senses and be oblivious towards all these terrors?Or am I going to do something about it?Back to your blogpost, I have to agree with you that in a way, all of us are instruments. Definitely no one can compare people with the tools found in a carpenter's shed; but at the same time… everyone, even you and me, will find ourselves being influenced and utilised by something one way or another – especially in this age where mass media, advertising and the cultural assimilation chaotically runs rampant.(Continued…)

  2. We ourselves have feelings and the sense of individuality; but at the same time, our very existence can also be used as instruments that change others and of course, be changed by them in return.And every change start with a single person wanting it to happen. Something must be done to get it started.From that sense, you and me are instruments – instruments that even we can use for ourselves to try make the changes we desire.From here, what comes next is certainly the process of answering the question of why or for what we must do this. Why must we come out of our comfort zones unlike everyone else, and going against the currents to challenge the conventions we are against when we can just sink back and be like the rest – especially when in terms of strength and influence, we are just one person…But this is where I am going to stop now.I have already found this answer for myself a long time ago; but as for you, you have your own journey to take… The answer is not to be taught, but to be discovered. So, take care, and I wish you all the best. Explore the universe that lays before you, and I pray that you will find a place where you can fit yourself in and belong to.And one more thing from me: Never stop shining, you little sunshine. From the vibrant colours you have chosen for your blog, I could feel a sense of brimming child-like optimism that comes from a person who desires to make the best out of her life and live to the fullest… while at the same time, I could also feel an equally impressive sense of depth from your words, that can only come from a rich inner world belonging to those who wish to seek and grab hold of the very heartbeat of this universe.Indeed, this is the feeling I got when I am reading through this post… and I would like to encourage you to keep on learning and growing in both wisdom and maturity.It is a rarity to find someone like you – I believe you yourself am aware of this too… and I am a person who believes that it is people like you who would bring the greatest change to the world and the people around you. In fact, this is the same perspective that I use to see myself in life. That's why I'm here, sharing bits and pieces of my life to a stranger like you – because I've already gone through that journey ahead of you and have found a reason to live for… and it has brought me great joy and fulfillment.I would be a joy for me to see this being found in you too someday, and that's the reason I'm here.Who knows who are you going to become, or whose life are you going to change in the years to come… but whatever it is the outcome, my heart wants to believe that what I have imparted to you tonight is something that is going to be really worth it.Anyhow, it is nice knowing you, and I hope to see you around more in Bloggeries. You do remember me, right? haha =)Take care. You will be remembered in my prayers.The night wind blows.Wilson Khor W.H. @ Seymour Nightweaver

  3. hello Wilson. I feel overwhelmed reading your comments. Thank you so much. I am grateful to you for having shared yourself here. :)I can't really explain how grateful I am to have seen someone who has taken so much time off to say all of this to me. Thanks a zillion for that.I am also very happy to learn that there are so many others who can relate with me.What you have said here is true. Whatever there is for us to learn, must be discovered indeed and can not be taught. When I said that I am looking for a grown up from whom I can learn the higher truths, I didn't mean to say that I am looking for a place to fit into or belong.As a matter of fact, I would be happy to get rid of such identities. 🙂 What I really meant was, what would my journey be like – will I get to discover the truths of life under the guidance of a guru or will I be on my own. A silly speculation it seems to be now, when i think about it. Because after writing this post, I realised it doesn't really matter as long as I am still learning :)And one more thing. I don't really think being one person must be a deterrant to be an instrument. A lot can be done by a single person. And going by what you have written here, I am guessing you know that too. You might wonder then as to why I wrote this if I am neither looking to belong anywhere nor wondering how I want to change things. (I do know what I must do to have what I want). But you see, for an average person like me whose thoughts and emotions are so strong that we believe it is us, it is simply too much to not let out 🙂 We need to unleash.Anyway, thank you so much for your review. :)I am honoured and humbled.And yes I would certainly remember you. You are after all the first 'stranger' who took the effort to comment on my blog. :)But i guess we're not strangers anymore. :)Thank you again. 🙂 And see you too on bloggeries.goodnight. 🙂

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